A hundred sodden years and I've never been close, close with another who was close to me.
Seems I still haven't...
I thought... I hoped I feared... why does this still touch me so?
Seeing her with him, seeing her kissing him.
I don't get it, was she just playing with me, using me again?
And worst of all, I still love her. Can't stop loving her...
Even the idea of not loving her seems absurd, even now. It's like saying that the sun won't come up tomorrow, it's like saying that sugar isn't sweet or that ... she's not the most beautiful creature on the face of this planet...
I leave hear alone with him, just walking, going, wandering...
It talks to me, calls her a bitch, tells me she's bad, that she doesn't love me. But that doesn't change things, it doesn't change me loving her.
No matter how cold it gets.
I love her.
Giles stares at me as I come in, still seeing me as a bloody interloper. Something vile that he had to wipe from the bottom of his shoe. Something that could hurt her.
Balls if I ever do, again.
Once nearly destroyed me already.
He's not the one I'm here for, forever.
Won't leave, not even now, not unless she asks me too.
I'm not gonna let her down, betray her, just because I don't get what I want from her.
Not me, not even now, not even as my heart slowly shrivels in my chest, just thinking of seeing her, smelling her with him. Him. She'll bring him here I guess.
He'll sit in the living room, welcomed by them all, they'll call him friend, help, ...
He's got a soul after all....
Can you hear me laughing.....
And I still don't know, don't see... what she wants, what they all want, what it is that I don't have that he does. What is it that makes him so special, cause I don't get it. I've tried haven't I? I've changed, been here, always, for her.
The joke's on me, again.
So why can't I laugh?
Worst of all...
With her, I still am